"I’m not strong enough" by R. Rivera

I can’t
I cannot
I really thought I could talk to you
It was what I was hoping for all day
But things have changed so much
I can’t think of you in the same way
Apparently it was already months ago
But to me it seems like just yesterday
When you said that other girls did not mean a thing
Now I’m left here wondering that since that’s clearly changed
What else about you don’t I know anymore
I feel lost and confused
It was all so very sudden
I feel sick, I feel panicked
I’ve already been replaced
I’m no longer your priority but it just feels so wrong
That even with all this hurt, I’ve been waiting so long for your reply
I don’t know what to do without you
The routine has definitely been ruined
I want you all to myself as selfish as that sounds
But I can’t
I can’t even talk to you any longer
Without feeling disgusting, like dirt
You’re not mine anymore
You’re hers
Whoever she may be
You’re probably talking to her
While you ignore me
I can’t be mad because that’s not fair
Let her have her chance
I shouldn’t interfere
But I feel I can’t even talk to you
Without being like a slut
I’ll just have to wait until it’s over
Until then I’ll keep my mouth shut
But talking to you now just hurts so much
But I don’t know what to do without you
Can we still be friends?
I just don’t know anymore

"Just one more cut" by R. Rivera

Glaring eyes
Condescending stares
Mocking whispers

Feeling panicked
Trapped
Enclosed in an invisible barrier

You excuse yourself and start to run
To the only comfort left
Your blade

You can’t get there fast enough
But soon you are there
You look around and grab it

You hold it tightly in your grasp
Closing your eyes
Wishing the pain away

You put up the only sign
Of your struggles
Your wrists

You put the blade against your skin
The skin breaks open
The pleasure already kicking in

Tears fall one by one
From the pain felt
Both emotionally and physically

However you delight
In the sight you see
Blood

Little dark red droplets of life
One of the few things you can control
A secret pleasure

As the blood trickles down your arm
You are wondering how can something
So wrong feel so right

Why must pain be limited to the inside
Why not let it come through
Show it’s true colors

When the tears run dry
You stand and clean the mess ‘cause
Right after the pleasure comes guilt

No one can know about this
For if someone does
Endless shame follows

You’re not proud of the crime
However the thought of stopping it
It’s just undoable

With that the never-ending cycle
Of cuts continues
You feel slightly hopeless, but

You feel well enough to fight through
The continuous cycle of challenges of
Something called life…

"Desperation" by R. Rivera

Nothing you do is right
Or so they say
You try your best
But it’s never enough

Critics they’re everywhere
Never silent
Always there
Voicing their opinion

Worse and worse
You feel
Slowing dying
Inside

You ask them to stop
You ask for optimism
They don’t reply
They don’t understand

You wish the pain away
But it’s increasingly difficult
To ignore
Try and try again

One more fight
One more insult
Is all that it’s going to take
One last piece of pain

That last straw happened
Much too early
I no longer wish to try
To please them

I give up
There’s no point
In all the effort
I failed and that’s that

I cry myself to sleep
I’m a disappointment
Music is the only thing
That comforts me

I’m finally in peace
But only when I’m asleep
Then reality wakes me up
Reminds me of what I am

The more disappointment
I give
The more tears fall
Down my cheek

I think of resolutions
The only ones
I find require
So much to sacrifice

Question is
Should I run away
Or continue to fight
The battle I know too well

I wanted to be a coward
But I still have my pride
I have a legacy
I wish to leave behind

I will be a fighter
I will win
Or I’ll die trying
That’s a fact

First thing to do
Is to leave behind
These disturbing thoughts of
Desperation